Voices. I can hear em.

I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time. Every body has some scary story to tell about their experiences with a client. I was among the few who didnt have any. One of them had a client get angry and physically assault the client. Another one had their clients husband come and threaten them. Yet another therapist had a client pull a gun and hold them for almost an hour, before he made his escape and later got arrested. Ok, i admit my experience was nowhere close, but not bad for a start i would say. For the past few weeks i have been seeing a client with schizo affective disorder. Ill just refer to her as "client". For the past few years she has been hearing voices speak to her. These voices cuss her and conspire about her. During the earlier sessions i have asked her to listen to those voices and tell me what they are saying. It has always been something about her, like "sacrifice her" or even "she is giving away our secrets" and so on. During the last session i decided to take it a step further. Maybe i should not have. The first half of the session was self care and further discussions about the voices. Then.....

Therapist: So when was the last time you heard those voices?
Client: This morning. Wait. I can hear them now(listens for a while)
Therapist: Well, what are they telling you?
Client: They are saying that i should get a good lawyer.
Therapist: Hhhmm. I see. Its scary isnt it?
Client: Ohhh (makes a sad face and puts her head down)
Therapist: Do you think they will have something to say about me?
Clients: (listens) They tell me that you have no clue what you are doing.
Therapist: (No response.Loss for words)

I should have stopped, but i didnt. I put my hands into my file and close the file over my hand in a way that she cant see. Im holding out three fingers.

Therapist: Can you ask your voices how many fingers i am holding?
Client: (listens carefully) They are saying three.
Therapist: (gulps)
Client: Am i right?
Therapist: Does it matter? Ok how many am i holding now? (Im holding two)
Client: (listens carefully)Two.
Therapist: (silence)
Client: Was that right?
Therapist: (silence/smiles)
Client: (Confused look)
Therapist: (gathers courage) Ok, our time is up for today and ill see you next week.

Green Envy ??

There is a lot of beauty to the four different seasons. Each one has its own face and each one tells its own story. Beautiful stories. I come from a place that didnt have much variation in the colors around you and that was a huge contrast when i came here and saw something different every few months. Summer is a good time to be in north America. Atleast for me becauase its a lot warmer and i feel more at home in the heat rather than with all the cold. The trees are all as green as they can be. Each leaf has a different shade which you will notice if you take a closer look. Overall a very pleasant season. Then comes fall season. The very same leaves that looked so green suddenly begin to change color just before they give up and breath their last breath. But what an awesome change. All different shades of yellow, orange and red. Thats another kind of beauty. I have stared at them continuously for long periods and i would never get tired. It just amazes me to see that a leaf could have so many different colors other than green and still look stunningly beautiful. This is personally my favorite season, for some reason. Next up is winter. At first the leaves all fall of the trees towards the end of fall. It could appear a little scary for the faint hearted on a moonlight night. You wake up one fine morning and see a white blanket. All u see is white, for miles and miles. One may wonder where all the green and yellow and orange suddenly disappeared. Again snow has its own beauty. Something so pure about it. For me, minus the cold and slush ofcourse. No matter how cold the winter, can spring be far behind? Dont remember who said that, but spring is another season i look forward to. Maybe because i need respite from the cold and damp and gloomy climate. Maybe because i need to hear the bees buzzing and smell some flowers. Just cant wait for them to bloom. There is something so fresh about spring. Its like your old dying skin has been peeled off. I wonder if snakes feel the same way when they shed their skin. How much more variety can one ask for? Compare this to my hometown, Kerala, back in India. We too have four seasons. Its called summer, monsoon, summer and very hot summer. Through out the year its green. Green, green and more green. You may ask if that isnt boring? Well depends on how you look at it. Yes could get a little monotonous sometimes, but thats not the case if one looks close enough. The green you see today is not the same green you see tomorrow. It does change. Slowly fading before the monsoon and soon after monsoon, it appears like it received a fresh coat of paint. Green has never been my favorite color, but then there is something about the greenery in kerala that attracts me. Everything is green and sometimes even the lakes are green. What an awesome feeling it is to drift through the backwaters, through a maze of coconut trees and hand drawn bridges and paddy fields, each one showing of its own version of greenness. I love the flowers in spring, the leaves in fall and the snow in winter, but would never trade that for the greenness back home.

I love being misunderstood.... The Ignorance.

Ok, now i may not be an expert in identifying which part of the world a person comes from, but what i do know is that i should not assume. If i am not sure, i rather shut up than get myself embarassed. Honestly i cannot differentiate between someone from USA and England. Oh yes, the accent could be a big give away but minus the accent, they all look alike. The same goes for someone from China and someone from Japan or Korea. Maybe im a little ignorant, but i know im not the only one. Something really funny happened a few weeks ago. I was with a group of friends and were just chatting along and then out of the blue one lady changes the topic and says, "hey, i just noticed that your birthday falls on 9/11 and your from the middle east. Wow...!! What are the odds of that?? ha ha ha". There was dead silence in the room. Some of my friends felt offended and thought that i might too. I smiled but was laughing inside. No one said a word and neither did I. We left and soon it got me thinking, "what did she mean?" "Did she think that the attacks came from my country." "Did she envision me wearing that black jacket you see in the picture above?". I still laugh when i think of that and so do some of my friends. I just call it ignorance. One comedian one said, "75% of american children cant find earth....... on the map on earth." This topic came up again among my friends today. We were out at starbucks sipping on coffee and somehow the topic turned to someones someone who long ago knew someone who was an immigrant and was illegal. Hearing this one of my friends commented, "He should be Deported" and almost immediately she turned to me with an embarassed look and began to apoligize. Her face turns red. Why on earth was she apologizing to me? Did she think i was illegal in this country? Did she think that i deserved to be deported? Surely there was nothing in that to offend me, but there was plenty to keep me amused for a long time.

Freedoms just another word....

"Freedoms just another word for nothing left to do". Actually the words go...nothing left to loose, but i thought that this sounds good too, and even more appropriate for me. Its funny walking back to my apartments without having to worry about an assignment due the next day or a presentation for the next day. This walk back was different. How i longed for this day, but now that it is finally here, im having mixed emotions. After the eventful showstorms and hail storms, it finally sunny and bright The birds are out and so are the bees, Buzzing away to glory, and here i am, sitting inside without any reason to step out, and wondering what to do. Do i dare wish for the good ol days that i wished away? Naaa.. dont think so. It will come again. Soon. I know that its not that far off and that its not long before i am down on my knees begging for a break from the crazy schedule. Classes and assignments and presentations and exams apart, i am now left with a schizophernic, narcissistic, pre-marital couple and someone else that i have no clue how to diagnose. Looking at it now, this dosent seem like a break afterall. But do i feel tired and drained out? No way, and thats where the difference lies, and in the midst of all this, I feel free.

Hail Hail..... the Mighty Ones.

Sounded like my house was being pelted by stones. It went on and on for a while. I looked out of my window and there it was, my first sighting of hail stones. I was excited, like the first time i saw snow about a year ago. My first thought was to run outside feel the hail fall on me. Gosh...!! What an idiotic thought. Thankfully common sense prevailed and i decided against it. However i could not resist going up to the door and stretch my arms out to try and catch a few as they were falling. Surely that wouldnt hurt, would it? With no one of give me an answer i decided to find out for myself and goah, what a lesson that was. For a minute i though that i had been shot at. I has stretched my hand outside through the door to catch the hail and BAM...!!! My wrist hurt like hell. There was no blood, so i confirmed that i was not shot or pelted by anyone. I decided to leave the probing for later and so i went back in.
Almost thirty minutes and a few broken windows on cars later, the loud thuds stopped. I peeped through my window before venturing out again. It was clear this time and amazingly the sky was clear blue. Not a cloud in sight. It was like as though the hail never fell and that it was all nothing but a dream. Then i looked outside at the ground and saw what looked like marbles, but white in color. I reached down and grabbed a handful. Phew.. that didnt hurt. Memories of the time when i grabbed dry ice with my hands still haunted me. I held them in my hands for a while and played around with them. I dropped them down and took some more. I enjoyed them as much as i could, for in just a few minutes it had disappeared, like it had never fallen.