Strange

A face blows across the wind,
I feel a little strange.
Now I know well, what I hardly knew,
Strange that I believed.
A never ending conversation just ends,
I wonder why it feels strange.
The touch sends my body into heat,
A strange sensation, I have always longed.
The wet lips sustain me,
How strange, I used to be alive.
A fond memory I wish I had skipped,
Strange as it may seem.
A thrown word hits my face,
Strange, I am in pain.
The picture fades away, in the distance,
Its strange, im not blind yet.
In the end, it dosent matter,
Ever wondered, why is it so strange?

Confessions of a Son: Part 1

Dear Dad,

Twenty seven years is really a long time, isn't it? Here I am, an adult, already a part of this world, and I have survived so long. You did a great job in bringing me up, no doubts. You might think that I am the perfect human being. Now see, that's where you go wrong. I have really lost track of the times I have cheated you and conned you. It was not because I hated you. I guess it was just my way of surviving and accepting the fact that the world has changed a lot since you were 27. Prices have gone up, people are different and there are a lot more things to do today than there were when you were my age. Anyway, here are some things I want to confess to you.

I think my earliest memory of fraud is from the time when I had started going to school. I needed money to buy sweets and I don't think that you would have found it necessary for me to get sweets from the shop in school. Well, anyway, I did steal some change from your pockets. Not everyday, but every now and then.

I guess you might remember the time you beat me because I opened up the VCR and tried to repair it. Well, that was the only time that you actually caught me in the act. I used to open it up often just to see what it was like inside. I guess I liked playing around with toys, and I don't think you saw the VCR as a toy as much as I did. On a similar note, We had rented a movie for the weekend and as we all sat and watched, it contained some really graphic nudity. Of course we turned if off and went to bed, but I watched it the next day after you left. I did not watch the whole movie, just the ones that you did not want me to see.

I remember that during the same time, I told you that the school had declared a holiday because someone had died in school. Well, the real reason was because my Hindi master was going to check all note books and my book was really incomplete. You believed me, but he had a really big cane, you know.

The time of the year when the grades come in, was always a hard time for me. I used to fail a lot. I had no choice but to show you some of my papers because it required signatures from you. I don't think I really showed you everything. I tried and forged your signature for some papers where I had failed really bad. I also remember the time in school when your office was right next to my class and the numerous times I had embarrassed you by being told to stand outside the class. You saw me each time you passed by. Well, come to think of it, you might have died with embarrassment had you seen me when ever I was out. I used to see you coming from far and Most of the time I successfully managed to slip away behind the wall and emerge only after you had passed. And how can i ever forget tuition. U arranged Hindi tuition for me because I was really weak, but I did not go all the time. I used to leave from home, but went elsewhere most of the time. But dad, in the end I passed, so chill.

College was really different. I was away from home and like a free bird. You always mentioned that you were sure that I would call you when it was time for the hostel bill. I sure did, and Most of the time the figures were bogus. I always added a few hundred rupees just so that I have some pocket money for the month. I did not think it would have made any difference if I told you the truth because kids these days have a lot of expenses, you know. By the way, we got our marks for each semester before the start of each new semester, and not at the end of my course, as I had told you. Well, maybe you knew this, and just let it go. Oh yeah I did fail a few papers, but I managed to clear it all before I graduated. If I remember correctly, I think I told you that I passed with a 1st class. Naaa.. it was just a lousy 2nd class, and that too just scrapped through. Did not want to disappoint you, that's why.

I think you knew that I played in a band right? Yaa I remember telling you, but I don't think I told you about all the places I travelled to for a gig. No, we did not play only in college. It must be difficult sitting far away and thinking about your son travelling and feeling uneasy unless I called. So, that's why I just did not bother to mention. I'm sure you felt better. Now don't even get me started on bike rides. I know you have prohibited me getting on a bike with someone. Its dangerous, I agree, but did you have any clue how much the autos cost then? I would have had to give you an even greater bogus bill, but I did not. Anyway, the point is, I took the risk and travelled a lot on bikes. I'm still alive. Maybe I don't understand your point and I may, when I have kids of my own.

The first time I came to India, I told you that I was going to Chennai to spend time with friends and my brother. Well, that's true, but I was not there all the time. Most of the time I was in a different place with my girlfriend. I knew I could not tell you that and expect you to nod in approval. This time was different however. I told you about my girlfriend and you knew that I was going to see her. You were fine with it, but what I did not tell you was that I was going to see her in Nagaland, and not south. Again you would be nervous and anxious with my travelling right? So, that's why. Finally, all those huge phone bills that you received at home, were my doing. I did not have a choice. No income and no money. I had to use the home phone, and I'm sorry the bill went sky high. Now can you please stop complaining to BSNL about faulty bills?

Well, that's a lot, isn't it? But I guess I am what I am today because of all these small things I have done, and I know you are proud of what I am today. So no complaints, right? It may have been wrong, but at that time it all seemed like the right thing to do. Maybe I would feel differently with my kids and maybe I may feel hurt if I knew my kids were conning me. But I think its a small price to pay.
Anyway, I am making a sincere effort to be honest with you from now onwards. But no promises ok, I know you will still be proud of me.

Love always
Divyan

Where Is The Love?

I was away in Michigan last weekend, attending another Imago workshop for couples. It was for a duration of almost three days. I attended a similar workshop a few months ago in Indianapolis and it really is amazing how much you learn each time you attend, even though it was the same kind. The Imago model is something that has caught my fancy and is something that I use a lot in my work now and I also hope to learn as much as I can and use it in future. Not just in my work with couples, but also in my relationship and personal growth. I believe that all of us can benefit from this if only we learnt it. It makes so much sense. It would be impossible to note down everything that I learnt because there was just too much information. Some quotes however caught my attention, and I thought I would list some of them.

We See The World, Not As It Is, But As We Are.
This reminded me of the song, "Waiting on the World to Change" and this just made me understand again and again that when we find fault, the best way to change it is to change ourselves. This quote fits right in to the context of couples. How often have we found fault with out partners? We always do and it is easy to do so. We easily blame out partners for how bad our relationship is. If it indeed is bad, there is only one thing to do, and that is to change ourselves, because we view our relationships just as we view ourselves.

Two Opposing Realities Can Peacefully Co-exist.
I am sure that when we all were younger, we would have created a mental image of what kind of partner we want. Some of us still do it even today. We want our partner to have our similar interests and tastes and do things that we love doing. We realize that most of these dreams have not been realized, once we enter a relationship. That in no way means that we are not a match. That does not mean your partner is not meant for you. We need to understand that our partner is supposed to be everything that we are not and more importantly we are supposed to be everything that our partner is not. Its amazing that two people can be poles apart and still exist together.

Conflict Is Growth Trying To Happen.
When two people with different agenda get together, it is easy for conflict to happen. Its not the end of the world, though we may be tempted to think that way. Conflicts are necessary and is a way in which the couple can grow together. A couple can have the same issue, but different defences and hence a problem in resolving it. Conflict helps us to heal and finish our childhood issues and grow stronger as a couple.

If We Don't Change Directions, We Are Likely To End Up Where We Are headed.
If couples are not conscious of the real agenda behind their conflicts and if they only have their conscious agenda, then they could be headed for disaster. This is the time to wake up and change directions as a team and if they don't, then they will end up where they are going right now and also blame each other for where they have reached.

Have The Courage To Be Imperfect.
No one wants to accept that they are imperfect in a relationship. It is always your partners fault. It is your partner who is imperfect and always screwing up. That's what we believe and love to believe. It takes courage to accept that we are imperfect and that it is ok to be imperfect. I so strongly believe that, "People are imperfect and it is their imperfectness in each other that makes them perfect for each other."

If You Want To Be Loved, Be The Lover.
You cannot demand love from your partner. It has to come naturally and it will come to you only if you give. It is amazing how being the lover can transform your partner into giving you the love you want. Become, and you shall receive.

If You Want Your Dreams To Come True, Wake Up.
In a relationship, it is so easy for us to have big dreams and sometimes unrealistic ones, mostly during the early stages of our relationship. Its perfectly ok to dreams because those who don't dream rarely achieve anything, but for this to happen we have to wake up. Waking up in this context would mean becoming aware that we need to put some effort and make things happen. It will not fall into place on its own without our effort. We should understand that our partner has had the same dreams as us and that they too are facing the dilemma of dreams not coming true. Wake up, and together you can make it come true.

It probably is hard to understand and really implement these concepts into our relationships. It is possible and not as hard as we thing it is. All it takes is awareness and a little effort from us. Relationships are real hard work and it doesn't come easy. It will only survive if we see it as our primary work. I had a couple come to me recently and their marriage is in the pits. They both want a good marriage but are not willing to work hard at it. When I told them that relationships are hard work, the man told me, "I work long hours. I work fourteen hours each day and I don't want to come back home and have more hard work." Whether we like it or not, we have to accept it. It is hard work and it calls for putting aside of all egos and selfish intentions. Nothing in the world can ever replace our relationship. And finally....

Our Partner Is Our Greatest Gift. Enjoy every bit, because it doesn't get better.