Snow, Snowman and Snowstorms

In the last one month, the temperature has been dropping gradually. For the last two weeks or so it has been below zero constantly. Last weekend we had a snowstorm, that went on for two days. The freezing rain and chill made matters worse and turned the roads into ice, which meant I was pretty much stuck at home. Though I hate the cold, I have gotten used to it over the last few years. I don't really mind, as long as I don't have to drive and if I can stay home. It becomes a mess if I need to get out and do something. Things are pretty much comfortable inside the comfort of my home, except maybe the occasional thought about the high electric bill I will receive at the end of this month, because I run the heater, to beat the cold.

The first time i saw snow, was four years ago. I remember how excited I was. It was past midnight and I saw these flakes falling from the sky. I stepped out of the house and stood outside and just felt the flakes fall on my body. Hopefully no one was around because it was past midnight, or else they would have thought i was nuts. By the next day we had close to 2 feet of snow. Once again, in the dead of night, I stepped outside and took a walk in the snow. I did not bother to wear shoes as I thought it was only a small walk in my front yard. How stupid of me. A few meters away, my legs began to feel numb. When i looked down, I noticed that the slipper on my right leg was missing. It had slipped off into the snow and my legs were so numb that I did not notice it. The next five minutes were spent frantically trying to locate my missing slipper. I crawled and dug through the snow before I found it. By the time I ran back inside, my legs could not hold me any longer and I almost collapsed on the floor. I ran into the bath tub and let warm water flow all over my legs. I have never stepped out without shoes after that.

I probably will not see snow again, in the near future. This time I decided to make the best use of it and so we built a snowman. We even made snowballs and threw it at each other and towards the road, just for thrills. Having said that, it is hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner. Next week this time will be Christmas. I am however, running off from Indianapolis and away from the snow and cold. I am going to spend my Christmas and New Years in the sunshine state, Florida. I need to enjoy the warm climate, the lovely beaches, pretty women and of course, some good food. Maybe take a trip to Disney world if possible. So, I guess I will catch you all in 2008. Meanwhile, where ever you are, have an awesome Christmas and may you have a great start to the new year. I sincerely hope that in this new year, all your dreams and wishes come true.

I love you all. Cheers...!!

Depression

I remember that a friend of mine asked me a few years ago if I had ever gone through depression. My response was, "hell no, I have never been so blown out." I think that I had every reason to have said that, because I thought depression meant sulking to the corner of a dark room and not moving from there, and of course feeling miserable. I think that I viewed it as some sort of an incurable, level -I mental illness, which obviously I made myself believe that I did not have. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who has felt this way, mostly because of ignorance. It is so easy for us to not understand the symptoms and as a result be in complete ignorance about what we suffer from. Part of it is ignorance, and the other part is denial. We don't know it, and at the same time, our subconscious prevents us from exploring more and it makes us believe that we are fine, and as a result, we swim in denial.

I have been feeling miserable the last two weeks. It's as if someone flicked a switch on somewhere, and things began to feel differently. Though it has just been two weeks, I get the feeling that it has been autochthonous to my life. Time seems to drag. I have absolutely no motivation to do things. At nights I feel glad that I don't have to be at work the next day, but the next day I feel miserable that I have nothing to do. My sleep patterns are screwed up. I stay up at nights and sleep during the day. Though I do this mostly out of choice, I have noticed that I find it difficult to fall asleep at normal hours. I think the last time I remember when I felt so screwed up was a couple of years ago when I was still in India. I had graduated from college and was staying in Kerala for a year. For one whole year, all i did was stay in bed, watch TV, get up to eat, jump back into bed, sleep a lot and eat some more. I did not identify this as depression. I just believed that I was away from my friends and I missed their company and I missed being in college. There was no one I knew in Kerala and hence I had no where to go and nothing to do. I felt lousy always and had no motivation at all. I found comfort in food, which I ate a lot. I was never a healthy person and all the food I ate, only made matters worse. But heck, eating made me feel good. That was some comfort I had, and I was not going to give that up. My life went back to normal when I left home and shifted to Chennai after one whole year.

Depression can be hard to diagnose. Sometimes because we don't always see the symptoms and other times because we choose to ignore the symptoms. Some of the most common symptoms of depression are: Disinterest in practically every activity, over the top sadness or fear, tendency to feel so empty, loss of appetite, remarkable weight gain or loss, mental stress, loss of energy, feeling helpless and hopeless, always anxious, trouble focusing on an activity, thoughts of death and dying are always recurring, low self-esteem, personal hygiene is no longer given attention to, feeling pain and paranoid about somethings, and thinking that it could lead to something worse when it really is nothing. Some cases could be accompanied by thoughts of suicide. The symptoms are plenty and yet its so easy to ignore.

For me personally, I think these feelings are a result of a shift about to happen in life. Leaving a place where I have been for the past four years, leaving behind friends I have got close to, leaving behind the work that I enjoyed doing, and a lot more. The anxiety of what lies ahead, in terms of career, relationships, marriage and just about everything else makes you feel like shit. I try to think positive, but I cant resist feeling the negatives because they seem larger than life and is not so easy to ignore. Every now and then I get these isolated feelings of high. I don't become manic and hyper, but those rare moments when good thoughts float in your mind and you know that every thing's going to be good.

I know this is just a phase, and like all things, this too shall pass. Until it passes, it sucks, but I know I can make it through. I keep telling myself that life is not too bad after all.